It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
