he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
