You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
