Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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