am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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