Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
