finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Holy shit dude........stairs
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
