Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
