Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
They are going to name an STD after you.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
