I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
