I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
