I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
As shirtless as possible
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
