mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
In other news, I just burned my penis
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
