So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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