my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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