I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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