He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Randomize
