are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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