I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
