: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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