I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
