I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
