Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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