I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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