i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
whose ass print is on the piano?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
