Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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