Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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