Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
