My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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