my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
