my mouth tastes like poor choices
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
