'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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