After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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