i think i have herpe
just one?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
