i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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