Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
