you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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