An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
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