CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
