And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
