Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
