I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
