so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
