We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
