News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
