I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
