How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
