I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
