I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Barsexuality is the new black.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
