i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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