I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I faked an abortion last night.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
