Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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