Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
